Samurai's delight
by Crest87
Summary: A romance/comedy crossover story of Gintama and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. featuring the relationship between Kyuubei and a stalker named Viktor.
1. Good morning Kyuu-chan

It is a seemingly regular everyday morning in the Yagyuu estate. Kyuubei is casually going back and forth getting herself prepared for another day of instructing students in the art of the sword. It still is quite early and she will be alone for at least half an hour, but Kyuubei wanted to get some warm-up. Besides, she wanted to keep her nigh immaculate record of punctuality, she has only been late two times in her life as a disciple, a ridiculously small number for almost all people, but not for the Yagyuu heiress. Back then, she was severely punished by her father, a memory she'd rather let go of.

 _Well, I'm not a little kid anymore, but he still can reprimand me in front of everyone._

Making sure that her gi and hakama are properly worn, Kyuubei was finally ready to make her distinctively professional appearance.

 _Damn, I skipped breakfast._

Just before pulling the sliding rice-paper door open, she pulled her ponytail back tight and took a deep calming breath.

''Good morni-''

Her greeting cut short, Kyuubei stood for what seemed like an eternity in front of the dojo entrance. The familiar Yagyuu family dojo with its shiny floorboards, neatly organized bokken racks and wooden elegant sign with their motto overhead was now an utterly alien place. Just in front of her feet the floor seemed to blur and flicker in and out of existence, to the left side the bokken rack was on fire but the rack and the bamboo swords it held were still in a seemingly pristine condition. Dead center, the flooring material along with the mats were clumped together in a huge, floating amorphous mass that writhed and twisted in itself, the bare ground beneath it pulsating like a living heart. To the far right end, lay an ominous black void that bellowed cold air and debris.

 _Uhhh...am I still sleeping?_

After what amounted to about five full minutes, Kyuubei broke her gaze off the nightmarish room, stepped back and closed the door. Closing her eye, she pinched the bridge of her nose and burst out laughing.

 _I really should follow Tae's advice and get some vacation...Well, after today I'll ask father for a week or so._

Her composure regained, she opened the sliding door again, only to be confronted by the same bizarre spectacle.

 _Okay...fine. The dojo has become a twisted hellhole. No need to get stressed about that._

Twenty minutes later, Kyuubei is in her father's room walking back and forth with a phone in hand trying to convey needlessly convoluted details about the dojo's condition to Yorozuya. As she speaks, her hand goes over her hair and nape, frustration and panic obviously taking their grip.

''Alright, fine. We'll be waiting.''

She closed the fancy flip-phone she held and turned to her father that sat in his usual position in anticipation. His expression definitely showed concern but not as much as she would expect. He had his own brief breakdown, but given what he put Kyuubei through in the name of the Yagyuu family, she figured that he would be far more worried about their family business and prestige.

''Did you call off the sessions fath-um, papa?''

Koshinori nodded.

''Yes, all training sessions are off for at least a week. I take it your acquaintances at Yorozuya shall investigate the matter Kyuubei?''

His daughter absentmindedly fidgeted with the phone she still held in her hand and took a seat in front of him.

''No. They are currently occupied in an assignment at the other end of the country chasing a robotic chicken.''

Koshinori opened his mouth to speak but anticipating what he would say, Kyuubei held up her hand.

''Don't ask, I didn't myself.''

''Alright...But what about that chaos at the-''

''They said that they would send someone who owes them a favor. He will be over tomorrow. ''

''Oh. I'm not sure if that is reassuring to be honest.''

Kyuubei took a sip from the tea cup in front of her before replying.

''Strangely, Gintoki said that weird cases just like this are his specialty, so we can only hope.''

With this, the day was practically over for everyone at the Yagyuu compound, the dojo's access was haphazardly closed off to prevent unpleasant incidents and all occupants and personnel instructed to steer clear of that building altogether. Kyuubei herself had an early bath and dinner, the raw bizarreness of the day obviously having taken a toll on her. She decided it would be best if she hit the futon and face the next day with a clearer head. Just before lying down a thought crossed her mind.

 _Wait...where's Toujou? I haven't seen him all day. Eh, he's probably out picking clothes for me again, no cause for alarm yet._

Her head met the pillow and had just one more short thought before the embrace of sleep.

 _I wonder what the Yorozuya's contact is like._

The next morning Kyuubei was up at her usual time out of habit and a little bit out of anxiety over what would become of the dojo. After breakfast, she put on her blue kimono and white coat outfit instead of her gi and hakama. She was expecting their problem solver today, and as the Yagyuu heiress she had to look sharp in front of commoners.

 _Heh, commoners. How many times have I been aided by and had fun with commoners? Yet I still put on all those pretentious airs and postures._

No more than an hour of waiting with a tea cup keeping her company, a maid came to inform her that the Yorozuya's assistant had arrived.

 _Finally._

She hastily set off for the courtyard, all the while mentally preparing herself for her introduction and possible information she might be required to give about the building. Emerging out of the main hall, she ultimately spotted the imposing form of the visitor who was apparently admiring the arch of the compound's gate. Her single eye widened.

 _What in heaven's name is he wearing?_

Hearing her footsteps the stranger turned to her allowing her to fully inspect his rather peculiar appearance. His physique must definitely be well built, though it is obviously enhanced by the hulking suit of armor he is wearing. The design is reminiscent of the military armor usually worn by foreigners, though it seems to be highly personalized. A pistol rests in a holster at his hip and a peculiar long firearm on his back along with various other tools and knick-knacks hanging from the suit. When Kyuubei turned her attention to his face, her gaze was returned by the two tinted eyepieces of his gas-mask.

 _Alright...He surely seems like something the Yorozuya would pick up._

Upon taking a look at her himself, the masked visitor took a step forward and extended a gloved hand as he voiced his greeting with a heavy accent.

''Viktor Polyakov, pleased to meet you madame.''

Kyuubei promptly froze up at his gesture. She wan't unfamiliar with the customs of foreigners, but she did have an issue with physical contact when it came to men thanks to her father's and grandfather's enforced conditioning. Noticing her hesitation the stranger retracted his hand and gave an awkward laugh.

''Uh, sorry, force of habit, I forgot that you do bows and not handshakes here, I-''

Kyubei held up her hands in a reassuring motion.

''Oh, no! That's not the matter, I just have a hang-up about touching, I mean you no offence of course.''

Viktor didn't seem to think much about it and shrugged in a laid back manner.

''No offense taken, uh...''

The Yagyuu almost facepalmed at her momentary social ineptness.

''Um, Kyuubei. Yagyuu Kyuubei.''

''Pleased to meet you miss Yagyuu.''

Having no other ways to gauge his emotion, she made note of the reservedness in the timbre of his voice and body posture. He surely did not seem like your run of the mill odd job worker, but he did not have the air of a professional warrior either.

''Um, forgive me if the question appears insulting Sir Polyakov, but what exactly is your specialty? I mean the closest thing to your job description?''

The man looked at her with what may be genuine wonder behind his mask.

''Oh? I thought the Yorozuya told you. Well miss Yagyuu, I am a stalker.''


	2. Good work, Stalker

Kyuubei's single eye blinked several times, her face frozen in astonishment and true wonder.

''A...stalker...you say?''

Viktor nodded without breaking his gaze on her.

''Exactly.''

The Yagyuu woman took a cautious step back and raised her hands in a gesture that betrayed a mixture of bewilderment and disbelief.

''You just admit it like that? Have you no shame? No honor?''

''Uh...''

Kyuubei scoffed, turning her head to the side.

''But of course...Makes perfect sense that you would be an associate of Yorozuya. ''

''I'm sorry, I should have clarif-''

Kyubei turned around and threw her hands up in the air.

''It was awful enough to have a depraved ninja and that gorilla man, now we have a stalker with military gear... So who is the object of your unwanted affection Sir Viktor? Otae? Kagura? Tsukki-I mean Tsukuyo-donno?''

''Um...''

A few minutes and a flustered explanation by Viktor later, Kyuubei was walking towards the dojo along with the stalker. Her palm rested on her face which had acquired a redder hue.

''My... deepest apologies Sir Viktor, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like this.''

''It is really not a problem Miss Yagyuu. I should have specified the meaning of the term.''

The samurai gave out an awkward giggle.

''Well, even though it is not your fault that the word has an entirely different meaning where you come from, I suppose you could have taken a small precaution.''

Viktor chuckled at her observation himself.

''True.''

Upon arrival at the dojo's entrance Viktor halted and gave the building a good look from roof to foundation. After a few (apparently) thoughtful seconds he turned his gaze to Kyuubei.

''Have you closed off all the other possible access points to the building?''

His tone was even and calm.

''Yes, and everyone has been given orders not to approach.''

The stalker nodded as he started checking some of the devices he carried and his respirator's filters, Kyubei observed the bizarre foreigner's routine.

''Those...anomalies, you call them? Must be stressful, to dive into a space where the laws of nature betray you. ''

Viktor paused and seemed to contemplate that for a second.

''It is. To be honest, in some occasions I was scared out of my mind... But it is my choice. Not the best of my life I'm sure, but at least it pays well, hah. Besides, this one will be a piece of cake, nothing like the conditions where I'm from.''

He made a final check on his visor and turned to Kyuubei.

''I will be going in now. Sorry, I will have to enter with my boots on, it's a safety measure as you understand. I will return as soon as I have a general idea of the situation.''

Kyuubei nodded almost absentmindedly and watched him walk down the corridor with a peculiar beeping device in his hand, his steps more careful and measured.

 _Huh. He does look like he knows what he's doing._

The Yagyuu princess stood still for a few moments, beginning to idly walk about the front of the dojo's entrance soon after.

 _It would be interesting to learn more about Viktor's line of work. On a theoretical level of course._

Stretching, she turned her back to the dojo. Still no sign of the stalker.

 _Or what he looks like under all that gear. On an inquisitorial level, of course. I mean, why would he wear-_

''Miss Yagyuu? ''

''Eh?!''

Kyuubei jumped in her geta and snapped back to the dojo entrance, the way the stalker's muffled voice came from.

 _How does he move quietly while dressed like a juggernaut?!_

''Sorry, didn't mean to startle you.''

''No matter, do you have anything Sir Viktor?''

The stalker shoved his scanning device back into a pouch on his vest and nodded reassuringly, almost giving the impression of smiling under his mask.

''Yes. Follow me, if you please, it's perfectly safe up to a point.''

''Alright.''

She followed him down the corridor a few steps behind him, opting to keep her footwear on herself, just in case. Viktor stopped just before the training room, opened the door and pointed at a spot just a few steps before the blur on the floor.

''Up to here it is safe to set foot in. Keep more distance though, my readings are accurate, but better safe than sorry. Besides, I only wanted to give you an overview before attempting to solve anything.''

The one-eyed samurai simply stood and gave him her full attention, eager to learn more. Waving a hand towards the bizarre room, the stalker began.

''One good thing about this is that none of the anomalies occurring here are emitting radiation, even locally. Another is that they do not seem to be of the expanding or moving types, excluding external forces, their zone of activity is static.''

Kyuubei listened with great interest, but did not ask anything yet.

''Now, about the specifics...See that sword rack that's on fire? We call that a Burner. As you already get, it emits flame and heat. Anything living or metal will burst into a torrent of fire. Not in perpetual harmless fire like the rack and the surrounding area, mind you. Actual ignition.''

He pointed to the pulsating clump of floorboards and mats.

''That's called Vortex. This anomaly is gravitational in nature, it pulls matter towards it and compresses it in a tight lump. I wasn't sure at first since it seems dormant, but luckily it is near the end of its life cycle.''

Kyuubei narrowed her eye at that, she definitely wanted to ask about anomaly life cycles later. The stalker finally pointed at the blurring floor in front of them, nonchalantly.

''And that's just a minor optical anomaly, it is perfectly harmless, it just prevents light from functioning as it should.''

''I see...And, what can we do about them?''

''That's the good thing. These particular anomalies actually have an expiry date, and a short one at that. The two big ones will stop functioning in about a week, maximum. That minor optical on the floor will take a couple days longer, maybe. We can't speed up the process, but at least we can safely wait it out. I can secure the altered matter generated by those anomalies when they expire and even arrange a buyer if you are interested.''

The Yagyuu heiress shot a glance towards the room, hand on her chin, obviously processing the new information.

''Hmm...What about that void to the right?''

''Uh, yes. I was going to get to that...See, that's a spacial anomaly. It opens like a rift between two points in space and effectively teleports anything and anyone that passes through. It could lead to any place on the planet, I can't know where and unfortunately it will not expire on its own without external force or energy. That's why I will need to contact some scientist partners of mine before engaging this problem.''

''Will this take additional time?''

''Unfortunately yes, I will also have to look into why anomalies appeared here in the first place. This downtime won't be charged of course.''

Kyuubei's expression was set between frustration and disappointment, something which went noticed by Viktor much to his discomfort. Her sighing deeply before responding certainly did not help.

''Alright Sir Viktor, please do keep me updated.''

''Uh...M-my apologies if I seem unhelpful. I just have a policy of informing my client of the situation before taking any action. I will secure your building, that is for certain!''

The swordswoman didn't expect such an externally imposing person to act so genuinely flustered, she found it both surprising and amusing, in a way. Amusing enough to not suppress her snicker.

''There is no need to worry Sir Viktor! It's true, I am discontent with the state of the dojo, but you are not to blame. Even if it's just information, you have been most helpful. Please do keep up your work.''

Hearing her encouragement and noticing her confident, as well as endearing smile, the stalker breathed a sigh of relief.

''Thank you Miss Yagyuu. I'll do my best.''

Upon saying this, Viktor unconsciously put a reassuring hand on the swordswoman's shoulder. It was just a light, friendly pat. Just. A. Pat. Kyubei's man-touch reflex kicked in and before she even realized it, she had flipped around and judo thrown the stalker across the room. And into the gaping void to the far right.

''FUCK THE WHAAAAT!'' Was the only thing poor Viktor had time to yell out before disappearing into the black hole leaving only a blurring afterimage for a few seconds. Then nothing.

Kyuubei was still panting and trembling for a few moments from her sudden surge of adrenaline. Shortly after, her shoulders dropped and her mouth hanged open, as she realized what she had done.

 _He...he went? Fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have...I should have kept control, control! Where is he now? He said it could lead anywhere, what if it kills him? How do I get him back? How, how, how?_

She made an uneasy step forward and almost fell over due to her anxiety. She slapped herself on both cheeks and shook her head.

 _It's my fault. I shouldn't have left my issue unchecked all this time. If he ended up in whatever hellhole, it's my fault. I have to bring him back. My responsibility, my honor._

Still obviously shaken by the incident she made a dash for the gaping hole in existence, skillfully avoiding the edges of the other unnatural phenomena around her. Raising her arms in front of her face, she leapt in. The next thing her senses register is darkness followed by a flash of light.


	3. Welcome to the Zone

Kyuubei felt her body become weightless, she was either floating in a sea of light or losing consciousness. Without a warning sign the blinding flash subsided abruptly, and she felt the pull of gravity once again. In a split second the samurai woman impacted the earth with a hearty thump before beginning to roll involuntarily, thanks to her previous momentum. After a few painful meters she finally stopped, courtesy of a solid obstacle she could not currently identify. Groaning, Kyuubei unsteadily lifted her face off of the cold dirt and shook her head to get her bangs out of her eye. Her right side, the one that hit the obstacle and impromptu brake, ached horribly. Instinctively, she turned to the right, finally noticing a pair of legs clad in padded fatigues and armored combat boots.

''You...You actually followed?!''

Raising her gaze upward, her single brown eye met the stalker's gas mask eyepieces once again. her mouth gaped in a mix of shock and relief.

''Sir Polyakov! You're alright!''

''What were you think-...Well, yes. What about you? Are you okay?''

''I think so...''

''That's good...''

His voice betrayed his uneasy demeanor, but Kyubei didn't pay much mind at the moment. She flexed and moved about a bit, nothing seemed to be broken, just a few bruised ribs. The landscape around her caught her eye for a moment. Very sparse woodland, it looked bleak and quiet. The stalker's muffled voice caught her attention again before she had time to make any more observations.

''Uh, I'd help you up but...You know...''

Kyuubei's mind quickly snapped back to the reason this mishap began. She instantly dropped to a prostrating position, her nose nearly touching the ground.

''I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!''

Viktor was completely taken aback by the samurai princess's lightning apology. He looked around in embarrassment and knelt close to Kyuubei.

''Miss Yagyuu, that's not important right now.''

Her shoulders twitched and she did not raise her head.

''But, but I threw you into that void! It's my fault that we are in-''

A look of realization came over the swordswoman's face.

 _Where are we?_

She slowly lifted her head off the ground and looked around her once more. Tall, mostly unhealthy trees scattered left and right with their sparse formations broken by patches of flat, marshy land. Few cracked roads and forsaken buildings were the only signs of civilization existing at any point. The sky above looked almost strangely clear with a few crows flying in circles above the marshes. Wearing an expression of utter bewilderment, Kyuubei slowly turned her head back to Viktor. The stalker took a step back and awkwardly spread his hands as if presenting an art exhibit.

''Welcome to the Zone Miss Yagyuu.''

Kyuubei just stared at him with the same look of confusion for a few moments.

''Z-Zone?''

''Yes. The Zone of Alienation more officially.''

Kyuubei had obviously next to no familiarity with the concept.

''It is the place that effectively spawned my profession. Those phenomena you witnessed back at your dojo? The Zone gave birth to the original occurrences.''

''The Zone...The land itself does that? How?''

Viktor shot a few glances around them.

''I'll explain to you some time later. For now we must move to a more secure position.''

''Secure?''

''Yes. This area is one of the quieter ones, but it's still not safe to stand around.''

The samurai got herself up and dusted off.

''Um, alright...Where are we going?''

'' Given that this space-time anomaly was a one way one, somewhere where we can arrange for an extraction route. No aircraft is going to pick us up from here. ''

He opened his backpack and pulled out a single filter half-face gas mask.

''Here, put this on. We'll take a safe path, but the ambient radiation can still be a problem.''

''Radiation?!''

''Yes...I'll explain that one later too. Don't worry though, if you take some precautions, you will likely suffer no permanent harm.''

Kyuubei winced at that and looked at the mask with curiosity.

''Do...Do you wear this too?''

''Seldom, it's one of my back ups. Don't worry, I always clean it with alcohol before storing it.''

''Thank you Sir Viktor.''

She took the mask in her hands and looked it over before attempting to put it on. With partial success.

''Uh, that strap goes around the back of your head. The other one clasps behind your neck. Pull them tight.''

''R-right.''

Not being able to give more hands-on help with the mask due to to her touch issue made assisting her awkward, but Viktor couldn't help but find the sight of Kyubei trying to put it on amusing.

''There, how's this?''

Finally, she put it on properly. Absentminded, Viktor put his gloved hand on the filter's intake and pressed firmly. He regretted his action instantly as Kyuubei tensed and he mentally braced himself for a judo throw. It never came, much to his surprise. Perhaps her sensory alarm goes off with more direct contact?

''Uh, Sir V-Viktor? C-can't breathe in...''

''Right, yes. That means your mask seals properly.''

''Oh. Thank you.''

The stalker took a PDA in his hand and switched a couple of screens back and forth.

''Here's Yanov station... And here's the bunker...A bit far, but we can make it by evening.''

He put the device back in a pouch, then unslung his carbine and chambered a cartridge.

''Alright, let's get going. Keep close to me, trace my steps if you can and do not touch anything without asking me, even if- especially if it looks innocuous.''

''Alright.''

''Don't worry, explanations will come a plenty.''

The duo began walking down a decayed asphalt path that the stalker singled out. In the short distance an old warehouse complex stood out, seemingly abandoned. To the far right lay a marsh, the stench of its bacteria infested water would be flattening even at this distance, if they didn't have their respirators.

''This may not be the fastest route, but it's still a relatively quick one. Thanks to recent events, a lot safer too.''

The eye-patched girl nodded, still expecting more banter from the stalker.

''We turn right here, and in a while we'll reach a scientific mobile base, I have some acquaintances there. We can both arrange for an extraction and ask if they have any idea why your house became an anomaly showcase.''

''I see...''

The strange foreigner started looking much more reliable to Kyuubei now. She will have him compensated for all the trouble once back home. Her thoughts were cut abruptly when she nearly bumped on the stalker's back.

 _Why did we stop?_

Viktor stood still and looked intently at the sky.

''Fuck me, tell me that it's not-''

His monologue was interrupted by the static of the radio in his pouch, a short warning in his native tongue came through it a second after. Viktor swiftly turned to Kyuubei, almost reaching for her shoulder.

''To the warehouse. Now.''

''W-What? Why?''

''No time. Get moving, pronto.''

Less than a minute into their dash for the building, a rumble not unlike thunder came from above. A few seconds later, the sky began turning dark red.

 _What is going on?_

Closing in to the warehouse entrance, Kyuubei's head started throbbing rhythmically, almost in tune with the rumble far above them. She said nothing, though her strained expression showed it.

''Keep going, we're almost there!''

Passing the warehouse loading bay and navigating the labyrinth of empty metal containers, the duo entered the main office building. Only when they both reached the center of the ground floor did Viktor raise his hand, signaling that they could stop. Panting much like his companion, he took a glance at the ceiling above them.

''I think-I think we're good, let's wait here.''

With the sky still roaring and bleeding red light down at the earth, the stalker and the samurai princess sat down on the rough floor. With the sun now obscured by that nightmarish phenomenon and with no working lighting inside, the interior was lighted only by the random red flashes from outside. Kyuubei still had her gas mask on and looked at Viktor intently, almost pleadingly. He had noticed.

''Right...This...This is an emission, a blowout. They are storms of energy, the type that fries your nervous system and brain. They happen at random, apparently. If you want to avoid the worst you need to put as much concrete and metal between you and the blowout as possible.''

The Yagyuu woman said nothing and turned her gaze at the floor in front of her. Shortly, she buried her face in her hands and broke down in silent sobs. Viktor expected distress by her at some point, but nothing so sudden.

''Uh, Yagyuu?''

He dropped the honorific in his surprise at her reaction, not that Kyuubei payed any mind.

''Fucked up...I fucked up.''

This was the first time Viktor heard her break her formal speech pattern and even swear.

''What is the matter?''

''I fucked up. We're in this hellhole because I fucked up. I overreacted once again and ended up putting us both in...in this.''

Viktor thought over his reply for a moment, so as not to appear patronizing nor indifferent. He certainly was not the most socially adept person himself.

''Well, technically we're here because of your uh, unorthodox maneuver, but you did warn me about your touch issue when we first met.''

Kyuubei smiled in self pity at that.

''That's a nice rationalization Sir Viktor. I mean it. But that's what it only is. A sugarcoating. I have been aware of my issue since my early teenage years. I have known how inconvenient and even dangerous it can be. You did not. And I practically did nothing to at least try to get over it, I kept going with my life like I was the only one being inconvenienced...Too self-absorbed with other... Now meaningless things.''

Feeling the atmosphere heavier, Viktor went for a more open approach in the hopes of finding a chance to soothe her.

''How did you end up with this issue of yours anyways?''

Her eye darkened and she kept silent for several seconds.

''It's...It's a long story. Not now, sorry.''

He could have been more tactful.

''That's alright.''

The emission outside seemed to be subsiding. Kyuubei looked at the slowly fading red flashes with a blank expression.

''Why are you not angry with me Sir Polyakov?''

Viktor paused his own blow-out gazing session and turned to look at her in the eye.

''I...am a bit angry, subconsciously at least. But like I said, it's not like you wanted this to happen. Besides, this is where I have operated as a stalker for many years, this danger isn't something new for me.''

He was not entirely honest with his reasoning and he knew that. He let it go anyways, Kyuubei did not seem to have anything to add in her depressed state. The emission had ended by now, moving again took priority.

''Alright, the blow-out's done. Let's get back on the road miss Yagyuu.''

The swordswoman nodded and got to her feet, ready to follow Viktor who was already up and facing the exit. Embarrassingly, she wanted to ask if there was someplace she could urinate before venturing out, but didn't get to it. Deafening gunfire pierced her ears and before her mind registered what happened she was in a guard stance with her katana in her hands.

''Vikt-!''

The stalker in front of her motioned to be silent while still holding his pistol with his dominant hand, a few empty casings littering the floor around him. There, at the doorway lay a vaguely humanoid figure, bleeding.

 _Did he just..._

His weapon's sights went all over the entryway, seeking more foes. Viktor himself hoped for none. After a bit he lowered his weapon and turned to the sword wielding Yagyuu woman behind him. Excellent readiness, he liked that.

''Seems like it was just one.''

''What was?!''

''You will probably not like this.''

He started walking up to the body, gesturing for Kyuubei to follow. Reluctantly she did, with her sword lowered but still unsheathed. Getting closer she quickly realized that what Viktor had killed was humanoid in shape only. It was tall as a human with a wiry, thin build covered by completely bare, rough skin that had a few bullet wounds on the chest area. The most alarming features apart from its clawed appendages were the barbed tentacles hanging from its disgustingly humanoid skull. Blank white eyes were set in sunken eye sockets, staring into nothing. Taking a few steps back the Yagyuu heir slowly turned to Viktor, wide eyed and with at a complete loss for words.

''Wh-what in...''

Her companion shrugged awkwardly, looking down at the creature.

''Yeah...I'm going to have to explain a lot about the Zone's fauna on the way.''

Much to his surprise, Kyuubei calmly sheathed her blade and gave out what sounded like a low, hysterical giggle.

''Can...Can I ask something?''

''Uh yes, sure.''

''Where can I pee around here?''

''W-well...''

This will be a long and fun trip, that's for sure.


	4. So far, so good

The mismatched duo walked at a swift pace, Viktor signaled for a halt at regular intervals to scan the area around them for any danger. Every time they began walking again he lightened up a bit and blathered about the perils and foes of the Zone. Kyuubei would listen attentively, finding the whole affair of the Zone amazing.

''And then there's bandits...''

''Hm...I can see how easy it is for humans to turn into outlaws here.''

The stalker waved his hand dismissively.

''Humans? Oh, no. Not at all. You see miss Yagyuu, these creatures mimic some human abilities and mannerisms such as walking upright, wearing clothes and using weapons, but they are actually very cunningly disguised parasitic organisms.''

''That's...highly unnerving. How do you tell them apart from real people?''

Viktor chuckled.

''Oh, that's actually pretty easy. Despite their tricky nature, they still can't imitate human behavior fully. If you see someone wearing ratty trench-coats or track pants and their speech consisting entirely of 'cheeki breeki' just shoot them in the head, it's actually a bandit.''

''Uh...I see.''

The stalker gave his companion a look-over as he walked. She was tired, that's for sure, but she seemed to be in a much better state of mind than before, probably thanks to letting her frustration out earlier. She had an air of steely elegance about her, just like the moment he first met her. Her dark brown eye still had a fiery focus in it, in fact it was currently focusing on Viktor.

''Sir Viktor?''

Caught staring at her too long, the stalker was taken by surprise.

''Uh...yes?''

''Is something wrong?''

''No, sorry. I was just checking you out.''

 _Goddammit._

''Y-you were what?''

''I... was checking out the fit of your gas mask. It's still a snug fit, yes?''

 _Smooth Viktor._

The samurai woman did a mental double take before putting an uncertain hand on her filter's intake and inhaling.

''Seems ok.''

''Good, let us continue.''

After several minutes of mostly uneventful walking they close in to a metal bunker located not far from a decrepit train station. The armed sentry next to the airtight door took a step forward and looked the two of them over, Kyuubei obviously captivated his curiosity more than Viktor.

''Identify.''

Viktor lazily takes his PDA from his belt and lets the guard scan it.

''Ah, but of course Alexei.''

''You know Hermann, Viktor. Procedure is procedure.''

''Uh-huh...''

''Say, Vik...Weren't you working abroad?''

Viktor sighed and nodded towards the one-eyed woman next to him. Kyuubei didn't understand a word between them, but she was certain she was involved in the conversation.

''Yes...Just took an express ride home via space anomaly along with my client here. I want to make arrangements for extraction.''

''Space? Well damn...Ya' know, I was just going to ask you about her. Cute, isn't she?''

Viktor took a moment before replying.

''That's irrelevant, we're done, right?''

Alexei chuckled and stepped aside.

''Shhyeah. Get in there, stalker.''

Viktor motioned for Kyuubei to follow him into the bunker's quarantine chamber. The sudden burst of sterilized air and slight change in pressure startled Kyuubei who turned to look at the stalker.

''Just a preemptive measure against contaminants from outside. You can take your mask off now.''

''Alright...''

The secondary door opens, and the two travelers are greeted by a cramped, steel lined corridor branching out to three more boxy rooms. Viktor motioned for his client to follow him down one of the corridors where a bearded, older man sat behind a dusty metal office.

''Good day, Novikov.''

He lifts his gaze from the notepad in front of him and gives them a surprised look.

'' Viktor. Good to see you. And you miss?''

Kyuubei gave her companion an awkward look, waiting for an intervention.

''She doesn't speak russian, she's one of my clients.''

Novikov's brow rose.

''Oh? I assume she needs something from us, then?''

''I'll give you a recap, can she sit and rest somewhere?''

A few minutes later, Kyuubei was sitting on a bland bunk bed in what looked like a repurposed storage room, waiting for Viktor to finish the arrangements. She had been given a bottle of water and an unlabeled can of meat the stalkers called ''tourist's delight''. Maybe it was the hunger, but the Yagyuu princess thought it tasted delicious. Having a more secure place to rest made her feel a lot better, but the whole affair was still utterly weird for her usual lifestyle. A lifestyle that included the Yorozuya in it, no less.

''Are you alright?''

Viktor's sudden question snapped her out of her thoughts.

 _I have to ask him how he manages to move so silently._

''Yes, I'm fine. Um, you have news on the arrangements?''

Looking down in what was probably disappointment, he nodded and took a seat on the bed opposite of Kyuubei.

''You won't like this.'' He shot a glance down the corridor Novikov's office was.

Kyuubei cleared her throat but kept silent, waiting for Viktor to continue.

''There has been a huge surge of massive aerial anomalies surrounding the zone after the latest emissions, making extraction by aircraft impossible for now. We don't know how long it's going to take for the anomalies to die out.''

The information almost hit Kyuubei like a ton of vodka bottles, but she snapped back almost instantly.

''Wait, at least we can get out by land, right?''

''Highly uncertain. We are pretty far from the Zone's outskirts. Moving out on a road vehicle would make the target of several less than friendly groups that could easily blow it to smithereens. Setting out on foot for such a long trip is simply out of the question.''

''H-hold on. My family has no issue with money, you know it. Can't we hire protection on our way out?''

''Oh, I made that particular inquiry with my contact back there. It's going to take a battalion and any who would accept the assignment want cash up front, no exceptions. I guess you wouldn't happen to carry the equivalent of several hundred thousand rubles with you right now, would you?''

Kyubei buried her head in her palms and sighed in defeat.

''Goddammit...What now?''

''We wait for the anomalies to die out. We've got permission to stay here in the meantime. You can reimburse them through me later.''

Kyubei nodded, still looking down.

''Will you be alright? You can have a shower in the lower level if you want.''

She smiled sadly at his interest.

''Thank you Viktor, it's just that I see my irresponsibility weigh more by the minute. And honestly, you being so calm about gets on my nerves even more, no offence intended.''

He leaned in a bit closer.

''We already talked about this, I am pissed about this whole affair, but we both know it wasn't your intention to happen. I can chew you out when we're done if you're feeling masochistic enough.''

The last sentence got a chuckle out of Kyuubei.

''Thank you.''

''No really, I can do it if you want.''

She smiled again, a bit more cheerfully.

''I'll take you up on it when we get back, then.''

The one-eyed samurai got to her feet and stretched out.

''So, how do we pass the time?''

Viktor stroked his mask's filter as if it was his actual chin, giving the impression of deep thought. It barely worked.

''I do have a rough idea. ''

He leaned to the side and rifled through an open locker next to the bed. Turning back to Kyuubei, he handed her what the was looking for, a pair of safety glasses and acoustic earmuffs.

''Here. Hold these and follow me.''

Perplexed by the items in her hand, Kyubei meekly nodded and followed the stalker out the door.


	5. Bullets and the meaning of life

A few minutes walk from the bunker lay a shoddily slapped together boxy building, composed of sheet metal. It appeared to be rectangular, with a side of about 20 meters and a single equally shoddy looking metal door.

''Uh, what is this, Viktor?''

The stalker walked up to the door and knocked.

''Our amusement park, of sorts.''

The door opened by a stalker in a black outfit with an insignia not unlike a targeting crosshairs. Though only his eyes where visible through his balaclava it was easy to tell that he was sleepy and bored out of his mind.

''Viktor? You're back already?''

''Unexpectedly, yes.''

The Dutyer's lethargic gaze fell on Viktor's uneasy companion and instantly showed a degree of keenness.

''You're escorting tourists now?''

Not wanting to explain the whole story again Viktor shrugged.

''Yeah, what can I do as long as they're paying, right?''

''Damn right you are. So she wants to play?''

The stalker nodded.

''Well get in, all the booths are empty.''

''Thanks, bro.''

The Dutyer chuckled and threw a bundle of keys at Viktor.

''Wanna thank me? Close up for me will ya? You know where to leave the keys and it's about time anyways.''

''I can do that, rest up Stepan.''

With the end of that exchange, the black suited stalker patted Viktor's shoulder and left for the bunker with a slack pace. Viktor set a foot inside before turning back to Kyubei who couldn't look more perplexed.

''You're coming?''

The samurai gave him a blank stare for a moment.

''You're going to murder and chop me up in there, aren't you?''

If it was not impossible, Kyubei could have sworn that his mask's eyepieces grew wider.

''What?! No! I-''

Viktor realized he got played when his refutal was cut off by Kyubei's aristocratic, rolling laughter and facepalmed.

''Sorry Sir Viktor, it was spontaneous, I swear!''

''No...It's- it was really funny. I just didn't didn't expect humor of this kind from you.''

The blushing Yagyu woman shrugged.

''I guess I'm only trying to relieve stress.''

''That's great miss Yagyuu, that's what we're here for anyways.''

Viktor stepped in with his slightly apprehensive client in tow.

The whole interior of the shack was covered with makeshift padding, from paper egg trays to black foam of dubious origin. The area they stepped in had only a large table on one side with a couple of chairs and lit by only a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Barely further in the front lay three booths separated by thin metal grid. In front of each booth stretched a rather well lit lane leading to a torso sized, round target with a small hill of sandbags behind them serving as backstop. After a quick look Viktor nodded and walked over to the table picking up a notebook from it and scribbled his name as well as time and date in the most recent page.

''Alright, seems to be in a good shape, we're good to go.''

Kyubei had a vague idea of what the stalker had in mind.

''You're going to practice shooting?''

''Nope''

He passed the safety glasses and earmuffs to her.

''You are.''

The swordswoman stared at the protective objects offered to her in confusion .

''Eh?!''

A couple of minutes later a safety approved Kyubei was standing in front of a booth with Viktor's sidearm resting on the bench in front of her, along with a box of cartridges.

''Uh, Sir Viktor, you really don't have to.''

The stalker waved his hand dismissively.

''No... But I want to. We're here to kick off some stress, after all. This is just a makeshift range to test guns and zero our red dots, but it's alright for a bit of recreation. If you give it a try and don't like it we can stop anyways. Don't worry about the ammunition, consider it a gift from me. ''

''Alright...''

Viktor nodded and clapped his hands.

''Great! Now, pick up the pistol and do keep your finger off the trigger.''

Kyubei took the ̶W̶̶̶a̶̶̶l̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶r̶̶̶ ̶̶̶P̶̶̶9̶̶̶9̶̶̶ Walker P9m in her hands and noted the solid feel despite its compact form. The slide was locked back, showing an empty, clean chamber.

''Grab the magazine and insert it in the bottom of the grip.''

Upon hearing the sharp ''click'' Kyubei felt the weapon's weight increase significantly.

''Now...Hold the pistol with your dominant hand, try to grasp the grip's spine firmly in the space between your thumb and index finger. Do try to apply pressure with your middle finger only, the rest are just there for the ride.''

Having never attempted to practice with firearms, the Yagyuu princess tried to follow the stalker's contrived instructions as closely as possible.

''Good, now use your off hand to enfirm your grip. Put your fingers over your dominant hand keep the thumb on the frame's side.''

Kyubei fumbled a bit with the pistol, but Viktor seemed satisfied with her third try.

''Wonderful. Push down the slide catch with your thumb...Yes, that's the one.''

The slide jolted forward smoothly and the chamber indicator jutted out the back.

''Now, bring the weapon up, elbow slightly bent and line up the sights with the center of the target. Repeat this several times to make sure the motion is stable and consistent every time. And remember to hold your breath.''

Kyubei practiced the motion as instructed. It reminded her of the katas she performed with her kenjutsu training, exercises meant to build muscle memory and proper technique. The stalker watched her movement with keen interest.

''Okay. When you feel ready, aim again and squeeze the trigger as gently and steadily as possible with the last phalanx of your finger.''

''Okay.''

Readying herself, Kyubei repeated aiming and squeezed as instructed. Well, as best as a first timer like her could. The discharge is as sudden as it is brief. Though her grip was firm, the weapon jumped in her hands more than she would have expected. Still keeping it raised, she took a look at the ten meter target. There was a distinct hole a few inches off the center to the right.

''Huh...That was something.''

Viktor leaned in a bit to take a better look at the target.

''That's a good first, Yagyuu. ''

Kyubei lowered the pistol and turned to her impromptu instructor.

''Really? It's way far to the right, isn't it?''

''Doesn't really matter, it's your first shot. The important thing is to perform the drill correctly and consistently. Besides, this is for fun, isn't it?''

''Right, do I keep going?''

''Of course. Show me what you've got.''

She flashed a genuine smile and nodded before getting back to her newfound practice. In the course of a little more than a half hour the cartridge box was empty and the target had a loose grouping of holes in it. Kyubei placed the pistol on the bench and stretched her arms.

''I'm done Viktor.''

''How'd you like it?''

She turned to look back at the range for a moment.

''Very satisfying... It definitely took some stress out.''

''Good, glad it did.''

Kyubei raised her hand sheepishly and placed a quivering palm on his shoulder pad to deliver a playful pat.

''Thank you.''

Viktor did not expect that maneuvre, and slightly flinched for a split second.

''Think nothing of it. Uh, you're okay with that level of touching? ''

''W-well, there is a whole lot of um, material between my hand and your actual body with all your armor... So I guess that much is fine.''

The stalker couldn't help but laugh at her rationalization.

''Good to know this chunk of kevlar isn't just for stopping bullets.''

Shortly after, the Yagyuu heiress and her employee were making their short trip back to the bunker. It was getting dark and the whole landscape seemed to have a distinctly different feel about it.

''I'll leave you at your quarter at the bunker, I have to return the keys to Stepan. You can have a shower if you want.''

''That would be great...''

They walked in complete silence for about a minute, paying mind only to the beaten concrete road sparsely lit by makeshift lamp posts with the Duty insignia crudely engraved on them. In the far distance they could hear a canine barking, it lasted for several seconds before a gunshot ceased it.

''Heh.''

''Sir Viktor?''

''Yes?''

The young woman gave him a quick look and then turned her gaze back to the road.

''Thank you for...everything.''

Viktor looked back at her. He couldn't decide if she was depressed or embarrassed.

''Don't mind it. Besides, you are still my client, aren't you?''

''I wish to thank you nevertheless... And please call me Kyubei if it does not trouble you. I tire of all this formality''

The stalker studied her honest and relaxed expression for a second. If he was taken a bit by surprise it did not show.

''Then just 'Viktor' is fine for me, right?''

She flashed a warm smile at him.

''Sure.''

* * *

Kyubei was sitting on a metal chair, plastic coffee cup in hand and looked out the bunker's window. The world outside seemed too quiet and still, almost as if frozen. She pondered the actual possibility of ever being able to leave the Zone. The room's door slams open and in walks the kevlar clad form of Viktor.

''Good news, Kyubei! A Duty convoy is heading towards the outskirts and I can arrange passage. Their colonel and I were-''

Kyubei stood up like a spring.

''Viktor!''

''Uh, yes?''

The eyepatched woman thrust an index finger at him.

''Why don't you ever take off your gas mask?''

Viktor seemed to need a minute to process that.

''Why, that's because what you see is my default character model.''

It was Kyubei's turn to process incoming information.

''Your...What? Model?''

The stalker poured a cup of coffee for himself and casually took a seat across her.

''Yes, model. You see, I'm one of those single model entities, I have only one set of textures to represent me. These fatigues, boots, vest and mask? That's the set I get in the game.''

Kyubei's hand slowly fell limply at her side. Her expression seemed like she was trying to do a differential equation in her head.

''Huh? That's...That's nonsense!''

Viktor shrugged in indifference.

''What else can I say? I mean, you almost always wear the same white coat and blue kimono for what? Seven seasons? How many episodes is that?''

He sips his steaming coffee through his mask somehow. Kyubei plops down on her chair with a completely lost look.

''Wh-Why?''

''Eh, it's probably to save time and cost for the animation.''

Kyubei started hyperventilating and made a half descent attempt to hug herself.

''G-Game? Animation? We-we're not alive? We're not re-real people?''

Viktor got up to pour some more coffee in his cup.

''You need an explanation on that one? Of course we're not! What, do you think real people have lives and circumstances as contrived as ours?''

Kyubei bolts up in despair.

''THEN WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?! OUR-OUR LIFE?!''

Her ever calm and collected companion thinks her query over for a moment.

''Huh. None, I guess. Good point Kyubei.''

He then reaches for his pistol and presses the barrel under his chin. Kyubei is too shocked to act and merely watches as he blasts his brains to paste, his gas mask lenses painted a deep crimson. The young woman's lower lip twitches and tears flow from her eye. Viktor's husk still stands in front of her and with a mechanical motion passes the pistol to her. His voice is still as calm and even as ever.

''Well? It's your turn Kyubei. Don't keep me waiting.''

She woke up with a strained gasp, hitting her forehead on the bottom of the top bunk. Breathing heavily, she looks around frantically searching for anything familiar. The dark room is the same plain metal quarter. The window to the side shows that it's still night out.

''Shit...That was crazy...''

She stared out the window for a few seconds, then flipped open her cell phone.

 _3:24_

She lay back on the pillow, trying to cool off. Fortunately, sleep came over her quickly again.

 _Hope Viktor has some good news tomorrow_.


End file.
